Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
jus crumblin' herb
i should be cleaning right now but its 3:20 pm and i want to enjoy the little sunshine i have.
today was a stressful work-day. i really need to get on this ID thing. among other various important shit that id rather not occupy my mind with since there is nothing i can do about it. dishes, too. always. i guess i can do something about them. damnit.
i know ive said/typed this before but the voice of david bazan is too comforting.
this weekend was amazing. and i really love my boyfriend. ive almost finished editing the photos from temecula for flickr.com/shilohrose. happy birthday to jeff dotson! you bmxing, digital editing, lazertag king of a man. thanks to hannah and family for the good times and fine wines! wish i had more photos of jeff's party. need a larger memory stick. but dont we all?
i need to stop sitting.
xo
edit:
its 9pm and i think im going to puke. here is why:
for some reason ive been thinking about babies lately. its really weird. not that i would EVER want to birth one of these, or even get married in my short lifetime, but its just strangely been on my mind. jordan and i even talked about it in depth on the way back from murietta. not about ourselves per se but reproduction as a means of purpose in ones life. its just freakish. i love baby things, i really do. small animals and baby people are really very fucking adorable most of the time but ... i just dont see myself ever actually birthing one. ive heard bad things. not only that, ive seen bad things, they are called douchebags. and the world is full of them. im not entirely sure how it happens but i dont know that i feel confident that i could be 100% responsible for another lifeforce other than my own. and maybe that sounds completely selfish but im just being honest. im not even ready to be an aunt. i am scared for my sister. and jordan is really disturbing so i cant talk to him about this. he is offering her 2k. sigh. so here i am.. at the mercy of the worldwideweb. i called harmony today to talk but she didnt answer so i left a voicemail. she called me back tonight while she was at work and i honestly thought she was joking. its always a joke. "i have something to tell you and you'll probably laugh at me or call me names but.." "let me guess, you're pregnant? lol" "actually, yeah. i am." ".. stfu. for the love of all things pure tell me you are fucking with me right now." "i wish i were, but no, im actually pregnant. i just found out." "well what are you going to do?" ".. what do you mean shiloh?!" great. thank god for marijuana. you see, mogli, our cat, is all i can really handle right now. jordan overfeeds him i swear and i have to regulate in that aspect, not to mention the cleaning i do EVERY DAY because of this lion of a cat. and im 21. shes 18. dare i go into further detail? im just looking out for her. just like when she got married a few years ago. and mom just let her. was i the only one against that marriage? because i was definitely criticized for showing up to the wedding tipsy in a small leopard print dress with bright pink and platinum hair staggering in heels down the aisle. divorced not even a year later on some dumb shit on his end. surprise. thats what happens in the army. i told him not to do it. not to join, we used to be friends. you can tell friends not to join the army. at least you should. just as you should tell your 16 yr old sister not to marry your highschool friend, her first boyfriend. i mean, thats just got bad idea written all over it. but i feel shes even worse off with her baby daddy than her ex husband. the guy fuckin named his pitbull GOTTI, like the rapper.so you cant blame me for the feelings i harbor, especially had you known the rest of this story. the story of the lifetime movie that is my life. look, i know im selfish but i just want whats best for her. and this is how i know id make a terrible parent. i hope i can at least be a decent aunt.
jeez
today was a stressful work-day. i really need to get on this ID thing. among other various important shit that id rather not occupy my mind with since there is nothing i can do about it. dishes, too. always. i guess i can do something about them. damnit.
i know ive said/typed this before but the voice of david bazan is too comforting.
this weekend was amazing. and i really love my boyfriend. ive almost finished editing the photos from temecula for flickr.com/shilohrose. happy birthday to jeff dotson! you bmxing, digital editing, lazertag king of a man. thanks to hannah and family for the good times and fine wines! wish i had more photos of jeff's party. need a larger memory stick. but dont we all?
i need to stop sitting.
xo
edit:
its 9pm and i think im going to puke. here is why:
for some reason ive been thinking about babies lately. its really weird. not that i would EVER want to birth one of these, or even get married in my short lifetime, but its just strangely been on my mind. jordan and i even talked about it in depth on the way back from murietta. not about ourselves per se but reproduction as a means of purpose in ones life. its just freakish. i love baby things, i really do. small animals and baby people are really very fucking adorable most of the time but ... i just dont see myself ever actually birthing one. ive heard bad things. not only that, ive seen bad things, they are called douchebags. and the world is full of them. im not entirely sure how it happens but i dont know that i feel confident that i could be 100% responsible for another lifeforce other than my own. and maybe that sounds completely selfish but im just being honest. im not even ready to be an aunt. i am scared for my sister. and jordan is really disturbing so i cant talk to him about this. he is offering her 2k. sigh. so here i am.. at the mercy of the worldwideweb. i called harmony today to talk but she didnt answer so i left a voicemail. she called me back tonight while she was at work and i honestly thought she was joking. its always a joke. "i have something to tell you and you'll probably laugh at me or call me names but.." "let me guess, you're pregnant? lol" "actually, yeah. i am." ".. stfu. for the love of all things pure tell me you are fucking with me right now." "i wish i were, but no, im actually pregnant. i just found out." "well what are you going to do?" ".. what do you mean shiloh?!" great. thank god for marijuana. you see, mogli, our cat, is all i can really handle right now. jordan overfeeds him i swear and i have to regulate in that aspect, not to mention the cleaning i do EVERY DAY because of this lion of a cat. and im 21. shes 18. dare i go into further detail? im just looking out for her. just like when she got married a few years ago. and mom just let her. was i the only one against that marriage? because i was definitely criticized for showing up to the wedding tipsy in a small leopard print dress with bright pink and platinum hair staggering in heels down the aisle. divorced not even a year later on some dumb shit on his end. surprise. thats what happens in the army. i told him not to do it. not to join, we used to be friends. you can tell friends not to join the army. at least you should. just as you should tell your 16 yr old sister not to marry your highschool friend, her first boyfriend. i mean, thats just got bad idea written all over it. but i feel shes even worse off with her baby daddy than her ex husband. the guy fuckin named his pitbull GOTTI, like the rapper.so you cant blame me for the feelings i harbor, especially had you known the rest of this story. the story of the lifetime movie that is my life. look, i know im selfish but i just want whats best for her. and this is how i know id make a terrible parent. i hope i can at least be a decent aunt.
jeez
Monday, February 8, 2010
the longer i lay here
i feel like life is too much for me. which is probably why i toke so much. of course, my anxiety is not the only reason as to why i smoke damn near every day.. i feel that sometimes i also sort of abuse my medicine [trees], using it to suppress my real feelings instead of face them. everyone does this. does that make it okay? no. facing your problems can be entirely too painful. i pour blood with every paper-cut. and i get them constantly. my skin is too soft/thin. my body is letting me know. im covered in bruises and cuts and burns. you are your soul, but you need to remember that you are your body as well. im mostly just speaking to myself in some kind of weird third person. sometimes it is the only way.
i also feel that it makes it even more difficult attempting to face/fix your problems when they simply cannot be sorted. everything ties into each other. all of these thoughts and emotions become a clusterfuck of overwhelming depression for me at times. i am my own therapist [and professional escape artist]. but im not doing a very good job. must be because i am not getting paid by the minute. im not getting paid at all for my own troubles, they are entirely free. and even i dont care to hear them. i feel them. shit sucks. they are so much easier to ignore than deal with. how do you contain feelings of loss and lack of control? how can you summarize what you are ultimately feeling when its just so fucking vast and complicated? but writing helps. definitely. i dont mean to pose all of my troubles upon the internet world in such a manner. i just want some kind of peace. an answer. not necessarily from a reader but from something or someone more divine. a divine intervention. so this is me asking.
"sweet jesus, i need you. forgive me this sin. not hookers or heroin, gambling, or gin. it sounds so ridiculous, but i just cant lick this. i need a miracle, someone to help me help myself."
maybe i should change my blog to : "how impress myself with paper airplanes; love letters to god." ill get right on writing, folding, and sending them her way. see what happens.
p.s. i did not smoke today. i slept. i can't even escape my own subconscious. had weird dreams, per usual. something about saving my family from some kind of futuristic government space center? lol like lost in space maybe? and waking up with visions of my grandmothers shoes. like all the ones she used to wear that i remember. so im going to wear them tonight. i wish jordan were here. he would tell me to put my troubles in my hands and face them. and i would tell him that my cup runneth over and my hands were too small. its good to have his hands to hold my own. i am truly blessed for a multitude of reasons. don't let my morbid negativity and doubt clutter your good energy. i just need the good to start outweighing the bad. thats all.
"naturally, i would like to be you, just for a few habit-forming years." dave bazan, thank you for being alive.
i also feel that it makes it even more difficult attempting to face/fix your problems when they simply cannot be sorted. everything ties into each other. all of these thoughts and emotions become a clusterfuck of overwhelming depression for me at times. i am my own therapist [and professional escape artist]. but im not doing a very good job. must be because i am not getting paid by the minute. im not getting paid at all for my own troubles, they are entirely free. and even i dont care to hear them. i feel them. shit sucks. they are so much easier to ignore than deal with. how do you contain feelings of loss and lack of control? how can you summarize what you are ultimately feeling when its just so fucking vast and complicated? but writing helps. definitely. i dont mean to pose all of my troubles upon the internet world in such a manner. i just want some kind of peace. an answer. not necessarily from a reader but from something or someone more divine. a divine intervention. so this is me asking.
"sweet jesus, i need you. forgive me this sin. not hookers or heroin, gambling, or gin. it sounds so ridiculous, but i just cant lick this. i need a miracle, someone to help me help myself."
maybe i should change my blog to : "how impress myself with paper airplanes; love letters to god." ill get right on writing, folding, and sending them her way. see what happens.
p.s. i did not smoke today. i slept. i can't even escape my own subconscious. had weird dreams, per usual. something about saving my family from some kind of futuristic government space center? lol like lost in space maybe? and waking up with visions of my grandmothers shoes. like all the ones she used to wear that i remember. so im going to wear them tonight. i wish jordan were here. he would tell me to put my troubles in my hands and face them. and i would tell him that my cup runneth over and my hands were too small. its good to have his hands to hold my own. i am truly blessed for a multitude of reasons. don't let my morbid negativity and doubt clutter your good energy. i just need the good to start outweighing the bad. thats all.
"naturally, i would like to be you, just for a few habit-forming years." dave bazan, thank you for being alive.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
because many have been mistaken
its hard to stay busy being so concerned and confused with matters of consequence while smoking a fatass bowl and enjoying a good 4:20. jus'sayin. im not trying to turn my blog into some kind of 'shiloh's marijuanablogs' but just so you know, when and if you ever read this, i was most likely baked while typing it. all. and i like to think that it really makes shit better.
lately, and usually in response to something i have complained about, i keep hearing the phrase "shit happens" - and as much as i can appreciate forrest gump references, im just so not interested in what everyone has been telling me lately regarding LIFE. but Why does shit happen? "thats life." life is shit? what the fuck? .. dont trip about the philosophical bullshit because thats just how ive always been so that it should almost go without saying that it is a reoccurring theme i have noticed within the writings of my deepest and most shallow thoughts. this is self-examination. i blame my upbringing for this, not entirely moi. im also the queen of run-on sentences. it really gets me off.
sometimes my sarcastic wit is a little too dry and i forget whether i am actually joking or not. this problem happens at work more often than anywhere else i find. like, i work with this decently funny, sensitive-thug kid from oakland who i get along with pretty well, and today i said something to him in response to something he had said without missing a beat and all i remember was a response from him that was slightly irritated and defensive. "yo, jk man, jk." but then i have to ask myself, 'what percentage do you suppose you are only kidding?' lately, its 50/50.. but yknow i probably did say something to him that came off bitchy because i was pretty upset with this other thug ass motherfucker, who i also like, at work today who showed up hella late and got an attitude with me because i sounded irritated by him asking me a question he should have known the answer to were he ever doing his fucking job right. i just hate how im always doing so much extra work for his ass. this is not a democracy, bitch. this is slave labor. anyway.. the point of the matter is pms week, stay the fuck out of my way. most of my diet consists of soy [estrogen] so please, please, help a nga out. the only way i can explain this feeling would be to compare the intensity of an uncontrollable addiction to crack cocaine. no, no, i dont think i could go that far. see, i know crackheads just dont give a flying fuck about shit but id really rather not compare premenstrual syndrome so a terrible drug addiction that is very real and infesting your streets, so let me just say that a few days prior to that one week out of each fucking month til you pretty much die, life is against you. and shit happens. a lot of shit. and it is mostly not your fault. it is god's. because s/he decided that this was the way that life could keep reoccurring. what a cruel and humorous god we've got. but what i dont understand is why people cant just shit out babies? if life is such shit. oh damn. i think i just had a stoner epiphany. wow. that thought process was absolutely ridiculous. backspaced the entire thing. what am i even getting at? bad things happen to our selves while we are alive during the 50-80 year span we are still breathing, and most of these things, we will refer to them as 'shit', happen and there is nothing you can do about it. SO WHY WORRY? hakunah matata. 'BECAUSE ITS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.' oh nala. so wise. exactly right. the correct response to 'SHIT HAPPENS and thats life' is not 'no worries for the rest of your days' because though it is entertaining, it is selfish.. but what we should be asking ourselves is why does shit happen? "because it does." .. well, no. i should be held accountable for coming to understand the whys and hows of everything as an individual. not on a self-righteous quest, but for the benefit of the people as a whole. we should want to know why so that we can better understand what to do with/about any shitty situation and how to prevent it from happening again or at least as often. at least. i mean, who could take such a beating? the jews? *technically i can say that and not be criticized. not because im jewish, but because my mother made me love jesus when i was young. and it seems that he took quite a lot of shit from people, places, things, and even god. nailing a crazy person to a tree all for recommending that we be nice to people and examine ourselves on a deeper level? jesus. but why should we have to suffer? we are only here for such a short time! no one even really knows if there is a heaven or a hell. and yet people go thru life just saying 'hakunah matata' and never discover the root of the issue to worry. i think thats the problem with the world. 'you worry 'bout the wrong thangs, the wrong thangs' - wearing a shirt that says 'world peace' is fuckin fantastic but what is your plan of action? and why? CHECK YO'SELF BEFO' YOU WRECK YO'SELF.
i think i should just smoke more. and then take a nap.
hah happy and happy hah
Monday, February 1, 2010
mas! mas! mas!
im not going to lie.. i honestly find myself stoned in front of a laptop at the end of a day. and in slippers, no doubt. but sometimes it just makes me feel lazy. i feel i should be painting more, taking more photos of nouns, getting outside more, spending more time with people i like, spending less time missing the ones i love.
work is stressful. i need a new job. i dont know why i am telling the world this but i feel i needed to get it off of my chest. since talking about it with the cat doesnt really DO anything. right? lol
heres something to do: tha dishes. godamn girl, you managed to do like half of them several days ago, what the fuck happened? the dishes are like.. the physical representation and constant reminder of how my life is at any given time. WE ARE LIVING IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
people, wake up.
note to self.
oh and my birth certificate finally came to me by mail. pretty excited. i can actually exist again. though, i do have torn feelings on this issue. do i really want to be a citizen of california? sigh.. yes, yes, i think i do.
ive been here a year now. WHAT THE CUSS. thats a new record for me. im actually proud of myself. ive managed to stay at one job, regardless of how lame it gets, for an entire year. revolutionary. oh and get this, im paying taxes. and im about to get a valid driver license again. but most likely holding off on the whole bank/phone thing. i like my monies in my home, nestled in the tummies of my piggies. grama aint raise no fool hah. and phones are too expensive to keep up with anyway. the internet is free and skype is the shit. BTW skype:shilohrosegaska for contact.
its hard to get my mind to slow down sometimes. im always so overwhelmed with thought. this has been a problem for me since i was very young. and it has caused terrible tension migraines and unneeded stress through the years. i still feel so naive yet i obtain all this information that i dont know what to do with. i remember when i was like 13 telling my mom how i felt like my mind was a battleground. thoughts can be such powerful tools of torture. oh life. how you've made me so fucking strange.
anyway, i feel i should be studying more. like, i do, all the time, which is why i am mostly so crazy and have become such a social recluse, but as in go to class for it. i understand that knowledge is wisdom is truth but must i go to college for this? im thinking just some basic theology, astrology, philosophy, photography. those are quite possibly the only things i can ever find myself taking interest in. like enough to not smoke weed after work and go to class for. its a hard knock life, man.
going to bed early tonight. dont wake me when you come home.
ill leave the light on for you.
xo
work is stressful. i need a new job. i dont know why i am telling the world this but i feel i needed to get it off of my chest. since talking about it with the cat doesnt really DO anything. right? lol
heres something to do: tha dishes. godamn girl, you managed to do like half of them several days ago, what the fuck happened? the dishes are like.. the physical representation and constant reminder of how my life is at any given time. WE ARE LIVING IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
people, wake up.
note to self.
oh and my birth certificate finally came to me by mail. pretty excited. i can actually exist again. though, i do have torn feelings on this issue. do i really want to be a citizen of california? sigh.. yes, yes, i think i do.
ive been here a year now. WHAT THE CUSS. thats a new record for me. im actually proud of myself. ive managed to stay at one job, regardless of how lame it gets, for an entire year. revolutionary. oh and get this, im paying taxes. and im about to get a valid driver license again. but most likely holding off on the whole bank/phone thing. i like my monies in my home, nestled in the tummies of my piggies. grama aint raise no fool hah. and phones are too expensive to keep up with anyway. the internet is free and skype is the shit. BTW skype:shilohrosegaska for contact.
its hard to get my mind to slow down sometimes. im always so overwhelmed with thought. this has been a problem for me since i was very young. and it has caused terrible tension migraines and unneeded stress through the years. i still feel so naive yet i obtain all this information that i dont know what to do with. i remember when i was like 13 telling my mom how i felt like my mind was a battleground. thoughts can be such powerful tools of torture. oh life. how you've made me so fucking strange.
anyway, i feel i should be studying more. like, i do, all the time, which is why i am mostly so crazy and have become such a social recluse, but as in go to class for it. i understand that knowledge is wisdom is truth but must i go to college for this? im thinking just some basic theology, astrology, philosophy, photography. those are quite possibly the only things i can ever find myself taking interest in. like enough to not smoke weed after work and go to class for. its a hard knock life, man.
going to bed early tonight. dont wake me when you come home.
ill leave the light on for you.
xo
Sunday, January 31, 2010
stir it up
so it was jordan and i's first year anniversary of knowing each other/meeting & falling in love this weekend. it started off okay, got really shitty, but in the end, all was magical. very magical.
stacie and stephanie davis, my twins, i love and miss you beyond what words could ever explain. you are my heart and i cannot wait to kiss your faces again. hope you guys had the best birthday yet <3
rahrahahahah 2010 FTW!
xo
Friday, January 29, 2010
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