the longer i lay here

i feel like life is too much for me. which is probably why i toke so much. of course, my anxiety is not the only reason as to why i smoke damn near every day.. i feel that sometimes i also sort of abuse my medicine [trees], using it to suppress my real feelings instead of face them. everyone does this. does that make it okay? no. facing your problems can be entirely too painful. i pour blood with every paper-cut. and i get them constantly. my skin is too soft/thin. my body is letting me know. im covered in bruises and cuts and burns. you are your soul, but you need to remember that you are your body as well. im mostly just speaking to myself in some kind of weird third person. sometimes it is the only way.

i also feel that it makes it even more difficult attempting to face/fix your problems when they simply cannot be sorted. everything ties into each other. all of these thoughts and emotions become a clusterfuck of overwhelming depression for me at times. i am my own therapist [and professional escape artist]. but im not doing a very good job. must be because i am not getting paid by the minute. im not getting paid at all for my own troubles, they are entirely free. and even i dont care to hear them. i feel them. shit sucks. they are so much easier to ignore than deal with. how do you contain feelings of loss and lack of control? how can you summarize what you are ultimately feeling when its just so fucking vast and complicated? but writing helps. definitely. i dont mean to pose all of my troubles upon the internet world in such a manner. i just want some kind of peace. an answer. not necessarily from a reader but from something or someone more divine. a divine intervention. so this is me asking.

"sweet jesus, i need you. forgive me this sin. not hookers or heroin, gambling, or gin. it sounds so ridiculous, but i just cant lick this. i need a miracle, someone to help me help myself."

maybe i should change my blog to : "how impress myself with paper airplanes; love letters to god." ill get right on writing, folding, and sending them her way. see what happens.

p.s. i did not smoke today. i slept. i can't even escape my own subconscious. had weird dreams, per usual. something about saving my family from some kind of futuristic government space center? lol like lost in space maybe? and waking up with visions of my grandmothers shoes. like all the ones she used to wear that i remember. so im going to wear them tonight. i wish jordan were here. he would tell me to put my troubles in my hands and face them. and i would tell him that my cup runneth over and my hands were too small. its good to have his hands to hold my own. i am truly blessed for a multitude of reasons. don't let my morbid negativity and doubt clutter your good energy. i just need the good to start outweighing the bad. thats all.



"naturally, i would like to be you, just for a few habit-forming years." dave bazan, thank you for being alive.