jus crumblin' herb

i should be cleaning right now but its 3:20 pm and i want to enjoy the little sunshine i have.

today was a stressful work-day. i really need to get on this ID thing. among other various important shit that id rather not occupy my mind with since there is nothing i can do about it. dishes, too. always. i guess i can do something about them. damnit.

i know ive said/typed this before but the voice of david bazan is too comforting.

this weekend was amazing. and i really love my boyfriend. ive almost finished editing the photos from temecula for flickr.com/shilohrose. happy birthday to jeff dotson! you bmxing, digital editing, lazertag king of a man. thanks to hannah and family for the good times and fine wines! wish i had more photos of jeff's party. need a larger memory stick. but dont we all?

i need to stop sitting.

xo


edit:

its 9pm and i think im going to puke. here is why:

for some reason ive been thinking about babies lately. its really weird. not that i would EVER want to birth one of these, or even get married in my short lifetime, but its just strangely been on my mind. jordan and i even talked about it in depth on the way back from murietta. not about ourselves per se but reproduction as a means of purpose in ones life. its just freakish. i love baby things, i really do. small animals and baby people are really very fucking adorable most of the time but ... i just dont see myself ever actually birthing one. ive heard bad things. not only that, ive seen bad things, they are called douchebags. and the world is full of them. im not entirely sure how it happens but i dont know that i feel confident that i could be 100% responsible for another lifeforce other than my own. and maybe that sounds completely selfish but im just being honest. im not even ready to be an aunt. i am scared for my sister. and jordan is really disturbing so i cant talk to him about this. he is offering her 2k. sigh. so here i am.. at the mercy of the worldwideweb. i called harmony today to talk but she didnt answer so i left a voicemail. she called me back tonight while she was at work and i honestly thought she was joking. its always a joke. "i have something to tell you and you'll probably laugh at me or call me names but.." "let me guess, you're pregnant? lol" "actually, yeah. i am." ".. stfu. for the love of all things pure tell me you are fucking with me right now." "i wish i were, but no, im actually pregnant. i just found out." "well what are you going to do?" ".. what do you mean shiloh?!" great. thank god for marijuana. you see, mogli, our cat, is all i can really handle right now. jordan overfeeds him i swear and i have to regulate in that aspect, not to mention the cleaning i do EVERY DAY because of this lion of a cat. and im 21. shes 18. dare i go into further detail? im just looking out for her. just like when she got married a few years ago. and mom just let her. was i the only one against that marriage? because i was definitely criticized for showing up to the wedding tipsy in a small leopard print dress with bright pink and platinum hair staggering in heels down the aisle. divorced not even a year later on some dumb shit on his end. surprise. thats what happens in the army. i told him not to do it. not to join, we used to be friends. you can tell friends not to join the army. at least you should. just as you should tell your 16 yr old sister not to marry your highschool friend, her first boyfriend. i mean, thats just got bad idea written all over it. but i feel shes even worse off with her baby daddy than her ex husband. the guy fuckin named his pitbull GOTTI, like the rapper.so you cant blame me for the feelings i harbor, especially had you known the rest of this story. the story of the lifetime movie that is my life. look, i know im selfish but i just want whats best for her. and this is how i know id make a terrible parent. i hope i can at least be a decent aunt.


jeez